Anger feels powerful.

It can make your voice louder.
It can make your heart race.
It can make you feel strong for a moment.

But it can also damage relationships, steal your peace, and leave you feeling empty.

What I learned from Dr. Steven Stosny’s workshops, Art of Living Courses and the book “Feeling Good” changed my life. The cognitive tools both Dr.Stosny and Dr. Burns teach helped me understand something hard — but freeing.

Here is the bitter truth:

No person and no event makes you angry.

Not now.
Not ever.

You create every ounce of anger you feel.

That might sound harsh. But it is actually good news. Because if you create it, you can change it.

Your feelings do not come from the event.
They come from the meaning you give to the event.

Even if someone truly wrongs you, it may still not be to your advantage to feel angry. Sometimes the pain you cause yourself with outrage is far greater than the original insult.

Let’s break this down simply.

Here are 10 simple truths about anger that changed my life. (Inspired by the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns)

1. Ask Yourself: Who Is Making Me Angry?

People?
Events?
Politics?
Traffic?

No matter how outrageous others seem, they do not upset you.

Your thoughts about them upset you.

When you see this clearly, you stop being a victim of the world.

You become responsible.
And responsibility gives you power.

Events don’t create anger.
Our thoughts about the events create anger.

Two people can face the same situation.
One explodes.
The other stays calm.

Why?

Because it’s not the event.
It’s the meaning we attach to it.

When you realize this, something amazing happens:
You stop being helpless.

You gain choice.

2. Anger Usually Hurts You More Than It Helps

You may think anger protects you.

But most of the time it:

• Freezes problem-solving

• Damages relationships

• Makes others defensive

• Keeps you stuck

The irony of anger is this:
It almost never changes other people.

Instead of fixing the problem, it often makes it worse.

Anger keeps you stuck in blame and bitterness.

Instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?”
Try asking, “What can I do now?”

Even small action feels better than burning in resentment.

If nothing can be changed, holding onto anger only hurts you.

And here’s something powerful:

It’s almost impossible to feel deep joy and deep anger at the same time.

Which one would you rather hold onto?

3. Anger Comes from “This Is Unfair!”

Almost all anger grows from one belief:

“This is unfair.”
“This is unjust.”
“They shouldn’t do this.”

But here is something important:

There is no universal rulebook of fairness.

What feels fair to you may feel unfair to someone else.

When we confuse our personal wants with moral law, anger explodes.

You think they are wrong.
They think they are right.

Both of you are operating from different value systems.

4. Angry Thoughts Are Often Distorted

When you are angry, your thinking changes. It becomes extreme.

Here are common distortions:

Labeling

You call someone a “jerk,” “selfish,” or “terrible.”

But no human being is 100% bad.
Every person is a mix of strengths and weaknesses.

Labeling makes you feel morally superior.
But putting someone down does not raise your self-esteem.

Only one person in the world can damage your self-respect.

That person is you.

Mental Filter & Overgeneralization

“They ALWAYS do this.”
“They NEVER care.”

You focus on one negative detail and ignore everything else.

That fuels anger.

Mind Reading

You decide you know their motives.

“They did this on purpose.”
“They’re trying to hurt me.”

But often, you are guessing.

And your guess may be wrong.

“Should” Statements

“They shouldn’t act like that.”
“People should think like I do.”

Other people have free will.

When we insist that our wants must always be satisfied, we create self-defeating anger.

5. A Lot of Anger Protects a Hurt Ego

Sometimes anger is a shield.

When someone criticizes you or disagrees with you, it can sting.

But here is a freeing truth:

No one can take away your self-esteem.

Only your own distorted thoughts can do that.

Blaming others for your feelings of worthlessness only keeps you stuck.

6. Punishing People Rarely Works

You might think:

“If I explode, they’ll finally understand.”
“If I hurt them, they’ll change.”

But most people don’t believe they deserve punishment.

So they defend.
They attack back.
They pull away.

Anger creates more anger.

Even if you “win” in the moment, you often lose trust long-term.

7. Frustration Comes from Unrealistic Expectations

We get angry when reality doesn’t match our expectations.

Examples:

• “If I work hard, I should succeed.”

• “If I’m nice, they should be nice back.”

• “If I love someone, they must love me the same way.”

• “I should be able to solve this quickly.”

Reality does not follow our personal rulebook.

We can try to influence things.
But when they don’t change, adjusting expectations may bring more peace than demanding control.

8. You Have the Right to Be Angry — But Is It Wise?

Yes, anger is allowed.

But ask yourself:

Is it helping me?
Is it improving this situation?
Is it making my life better?

Not everything we have the right to feel is helpful.

9. The Price of Anger Is Often Too High

Let’s be honest.

There are short-term “benefits” of anger:

• It feels powerful.

• It shows disapproval.

• It proves you’re not a doormat.

• It gives a sense of revenge.

But now look at the cost:

• Relationships become strained.

• Others may reject or avoid you.

• They may retaliate.

• Problems don’t get solved.

• You feel guilty afterward.

• People label you as moody or immature.

• Your kids may fear your explosions.

• Your spouse may grow distant.

• You feel miserable inside.

Life becomes sour.

And you miss out on joy and creativity.

When you honestly compare the cost and the benefit, the cost is usually much greater.

10. You Don’t Need Anger to Be Strong

Many people think without anger they will become weak.

That’s not true.

Calm, assertive, rational communication is far more powerful than tantrums and demands.

You will influence people more effectively when you are steady, not explosive.

And you will respect yourself more.

What Can You Do in the Moment?

Here is one powerful technique I learned from Feeling Good.

Step 1: Develop the Desire to Change

Anger is one of the hardest emotions to give up.

So first ask yourself:

“Do I truly want to let this anger go?”

Then do this exercise.

Make a Double Column

On one side, list the advantages of staying angry.

On the other side, list the disadvantages.

Be honest.

Then ask:
Which is greater — the cost or the benefit?

This simple exercise helps you see whether your anger is truly in your best interest.

Then Make Another List:

Write down the positive results of reducing your anger.

For example:

• People will like being around me.

• My family will feel safe with me.

• I will be calmer and more predictable.

• I will feel more in control of my emotions.

• I will respect myself more.

• I will be seen as mature and balanced.

• I will influence others better.

• I will get more of what I want through calm discussion.

• My kids, spouse, and parents will respect me more.

When you see these benefits clearly, motivation grows.

Final Thought

Anger is not your enemy.

Distorted thinking is.

When you gently question your thoughts, you weaken anger’s grip.

You stop being controlled by the outside world.

You start living with intention.

And when chronic anger fades, something beautiful takes its place:

Peace.
Strength.
Joy.
Freedom.